Relationships are hard, all relationships are hard. Take Barbie and Ken for instance. They’ve got their fancy malibu house, drive around in those fancy convertibles, changing into different outfits for every day of the week. You’d think it would be easy for them. But even Barbie must have had to reconsider when she found out Ken’s genitals had been ripped clean off. I mean I’ve seen the way they have sex and it’s not pretty, looks pretty much like how someone cleans chalkboard erasers.
But then you can’t blame Ken really, everyone keeps secrets in relationships, don’t they? Like take Barbie. She’s a good looking girl, she’s got that nice hour glass shape but apparently her body shape means that she finds it hard to walk and has no real space for intestines giving her chronic diarrhea. When Ken’s around you can guarantee she’s holding on to the walls, smiling politely and as soon as he leaves she’s dragging herself round the room shitting into a bag.
Like I say relationships are hard. For everyone. I mean pandas – think about the maintenance problems they have, they live in the wild and they’re white, that totally shows up the dirt. The only other animal that’s naturally white is a polar bear and where it comes from everything’s white. No wonder pandas don’t want to have sex, they get near each other and see all the shit stains and all the weird stuff they’ve picked up from the forest floor and are like ‘nah, you know what, I’m ok’. I think this is why pandas evolved to be cute, with their fuzzy ears and big panda eyes – it’s to attract scientists. They must sit behind the scenes in zoos, paws behind their head: “Yeah, you do that shit. You don’t want all this to become extinct”.
People feel sorry for animals being in captivity but they’re probably fight over each other in the wild to get in there, ripping chunks out of each other as they run towards the sedative gun. I mean for a panda it’s basically like living in some sort of high class brothel where you get given food and then are jerked off by a guy in a white coat. Plus if they ever do decide to actually take the effort to have sex with each other they’re treated like gods – how good is that for your self-esteem if every time you have sex there’s a massive crowd outside cheering you on?
Other animals must have a really weird idea of people, they must think we’re bestiality crazed perverts.